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balance (2): what choo looking at willis

Friday, March 11, 2005

what choo looking at willis

my neighbors look at me looking at them hanging their sarongs and lighting the oil for cooking, and i feel for once like too much of a voyeur. i chug down a whole bottle of water and rub my sore spot, light rose-scented incense and bury myself under the sleeping bag that still smells of ‘o’... away from the window, the sun and irritating birds and cats, and lingering, faintly shocked traces of last night.

“last night” is always a very different concept in bangkok than it is in new york or colorado for example. it is inevitably something weird. you have to detox yourself in every way after one of them.

stuck in a nauseating neurotic circle early on (prompted by my missing child and a cutesy thai love story called ‘monrak transistor’), i went out for a breath of much needed though not so fresh air. dong dea moon’s- a large wooden platform bar looking over wat chanasongkran, where i often drink clumsily amongst a good quantity, if not a good quality, of friends. i had dutifully acknowledged and dismissed my old pals, and had listened on the balcony to most of a two-for-a-dollar conversation amongst a group of dark, fashionable british lads, who hit me every time they moved for their beers, had deflected a horrid come on statement from an awkward and stupid guy from somewhere in europe... and the entire street had cleared out from under me with the nightly police sweep (but had already started setting back up).... when i noticed ‘p’ shyly making his way towards me.

okay i invited him. he is big, muscular, much bigger than a regular thai guy (and certainly not as small and sweet as ‘o’) ...but what the hey. if my boyfriend left and cut contact because he thought i was with another man, i might as well justify it. especially since this lust is long since conceived... and no strings attached is a-ok with me right now! i drank cheerfully.

a bit later when we found ourselves alone on bar stools, ‘p’ and i traded innuendos, chucked rocks at the temple strays (who always attack me), and stayed amused by the occasional randomly passing, nonsense spewing “friends”- most of them thai and already cooking up the gossip and snapping shots in their heads. ‘p’ is completely lacking in any personality, at least at first, but it’s ok, i am not interested in him anyway. (it’s funny how things suddenly become so clear). i gave him a hand massage and told him i felt sorry for his girlfriend (which i do), and we followed pui and yok to pui’s condominium, the furnishings of which included exactly a bed. (and some horrible flourescent overhead lights). i sat with several thai guys (always the one girl) on the floor, drawing tattoo ideas together on tracing paper, while yok picked the scabs from his last one, and listening to the thai ska band ‘t-bone’. someone brought out a bong and 'p', his friend, and i suddenly left (though reluctantly), not knowing who in the room might be one of taksin’s evil minions (and of course deriding those horrible criminal pot smokers).

the friend dropped off politely and i pushed ‘p’ up into his room, found myself in ecstatic pleasure throes between snips of guilt and shame, and fell asleep in a bearhold under a down comforter and frigid airconditioning. woke to kissing in the night, fell back to sleep moving rhythmically, woke finally in shock at too late an hour, and hurriedly grabbed a taxi back to banglamphu, where we parted ways with a mutual nod and no plans.

someone wrote me and said i need to stop thinking about me so much. in fact it’s quite the opposite- i should think about me and my life more and less about stupid guys. but part of what i have been thinking is i will definitely not disallow myself of fun any longer. :) roommate moved in today(!). she’s british. don’t know how the heck that happened... i should really think next time before i say “yeah, sure you can stay with me”. she’s ok... she smells different than 'o', and my room really isn’t big enough for the both of us... but she might help me keep occupied for the next month before she leaves. and 'o' will have a hell of a surprise when he returns.


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