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balance (2): month o' love

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

month o' love

you know what is good about a journal is that you can go back and take an obvious look at yourself. me- i am definitely narcissistic (that's different from vain you know), but part of it is that the theme of my blog is me. so you get all the introspective writing. just so you know..... lately my site has more than once been referred to as "a soap opera".... but i guess i am totally asking for it. :) ya got something better to read, read it.

anyway it's time for )))(((YOU ON ME)))((( , especially those that know thailand. you know me (handshake, how ya doin') already if you have been reading this blog. you have picked up on my rhythm.

what should i do?... because i am baffled. given the tone of my writing on the subject, i never liked 'o' that much, i was still getting over the real love of my life leaving me suddenly. and then, a few months later, i was telling him to get a damn job and feeling used. and yet, he left. and i am reeling in shock. suddenly i feel like i really loved him.

are cultural differences insurmountable? did i just get unlucky twice or am i in a very weird energy spot in my life- in my head perhaps?

so, i have analyzed myself to death a million times over while frantically dialing 'o's unfriendily blocked phone. i push away that which i love. eh? i make them leave because i am so hung up on my version of honesty and reality and they can't take it.

OR is it just that i feel rejected and i wanted to do at least 50% of the rejecting...and i am in thailand with no thai people.

i can't tell. :)

both 'o' and 'x' are gone gone gone. and i have spent far too much time worrying about men who don't worry back. right? sooooo....i am now officially a lesbian.

urgh. can't do that. thai boys are so, ahem, cute. okay i'll just have lots and lots of safe sex until i become labeled the greatest farang slut ever. hmmmm?

or... maybe i will just forget about love and nice people and friendships and all that swirly girly stuff and become a robot drone with no feelings, hopes, dreams, or passions.

you tell me.


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