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balance (2): moving on

Thursday, February 3, 2005

moving on

it’s my 29th birthday and i feel like i do when 'x' used to tickle me too long and i would laugh hysterically until something in my head snapped and i would end up sobbing in a corner, having more or less lost my mind for a few moments. that hair- pulling, silent screeching feeling of no control. i mean, you would think by 29 i would have things together, but in reality i am far from the ideal picture of someone entering their thirties. does anyone meet this false standard we set for ourselves? it’s funny how you are never quite as stable or secure or successful or wise as you believe yourself to be... and how anything solid in your life might vanish with the blink of an eye. i suppose i just have to remember that even at the top there is no guarantee that everything won’t do an about face suddenly and knock you back to the bottom- or vice versa. as my thai friend says often, no one can possibly control their future. it’s best not to worry and to take things as they come. climb your way up and hope you get somewhere and see some things before it’s your turn to fall.

this introspection comes with my departure from thong nai pan yai... the place i can say honestly that i have been the most happy of my entire life. i feel silly in retrospect, having believed that such a paradise could ever be real life... the undeniable, breathtaking natural beauty, my faithful and loveable dog happy, my little family made of the mysterious and overly generous whit, with whom i fell in love in a brotherly fashion; the offbeat and rather disturbed geeda, so boyish, who awakened dormant sexual fantasies and made me feel like a human being by his openness and acceptance of all the things we as humans prefer to hide from each other; the miraculously happy and inspiring claudia, who is writing a (definitely strange) book and making me jealous and who doesn’t shave her armpits and who taught me xi gong and who always made me laugh despite myself; the loveable and lost klaus, with his constant stream of brilliant though unrealized ideas and irrepressably good natured conversation, his bulimic tendencies with drugs, and his self conscious affection. for the first time in over 7 years i felt loved and i loved wholeheartedly in return. i am sure these people would think me silly for feeling so emotional towards them, as i am sure they have lots of other, more personal friendships... but having been estranged from good society for as long as i was in the US, i feel worshipful and grateful towards them for being real, for treating me like a real person, and for making my nights lovely for a time. they made me remember how important it is to be good to people, to share and to love. they helped me get over the fact that i lost x, who still lingers in the back of my throat like a lump i can’t seem to swallow, but whom i have realized could never have loved me or accepted my perspective. they made me remember who i am and what i want.

not to mention the utopian days spent in the kitchen and at the bar with 'o', shooting the shit, dancing to music, living life. we simply had to leave before we lost all sense of reality... before we convinced ourselves that we could live for the rest of our lives in this one mile square wonderland, self sustaining on only love and peace. if only... well, i suppose if things had worked out like we hoped then we would still always be pining for something other... the grass is always greener & all... i can only consider myself lucky to have lived the past few months as i have, and i have to accept my return to real life with graciousness, or die.

so, i am now in bangkok, floundering, scrambling, not steady on my feet in the least, but i feel like a different person than i was last time i was here- i am more at peace with some things and less with others.... i want to do something meaningful with myself, i want to change my life so i feel like it has some value. but i don’t know quite how to go about it. i have lots of half formed ideas, though not much money to make most of them come to fruition. i plan to put my finger in several pies and see which one ends up being the best one for me. i just hope i don’t end up having to go back “home”. tomorrow i will search for an apartment and then i will look into classes for 'o' and i... funny how education suddenly seems so valuable, i hope it’s not too late! and then we will proceed slowly towards whatever is our fate in thailand... but i have a feeling things will work out because if nothing else, i have a hell of a lot of good karma headed my way. welcome to another new life.


Blogger aileebean said...

Hello! Happy Birthday! Yeah, I can honestly say that I do feel the same way about not living up to my own expectations. I will be 29 in June and it is crazy. I wish you luck in finding what you want to do in Thailand. I am also someone who has followed this blog for quite some time now and I really enjoy reading your writing!

Have fun! ;)

12:58 AM  
Blogger LA_FadeAway said...

Happy Birthday!! I've been reading your blog for a couple months now. Mostly because I often dream of doing what you've done, packing up and leaving this rate race to find a more peaceful existence. On my 29th birthday, I remember feeling much the same as you do now. I'm 34 and I still wonder what the hell I'm going to do with my life! I guess it never changes. Best of luck to you in Bangkok. I really hope you find what you're looking for. By the way, I like you're new picture :)

1:37 AM  

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