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balance (2): luv (again)

Saturday, February 12, 2005

luv (again)

‘o’ comes home from his massage class limping. i never realized you could have an overdose of massage but it’s true, his leg is numb from the hip down. he lays on the bed and i step on him, thai style, to try to revive some feeling. “will you still love me if i am crippled for life?” he asks, and rather than the laugh he expects i mumble weakly that i would, and look away guiltily. we sit quietly together, i try to translate the thai game show on tv, he shakes his head disgustedly at the contestants for being so stupid. i wonder if i do love ‘o’, and i just can’t see it. maybe i have to lose him before it hits me. i wonder if anyone truly loves anyone, or if “love” is something we convince (delude?) ourselves is real. when i was in high school i stalked a boy for 2 years. i knew if he could just see how interested i was in sharing his life he could not help but be overcome and love me back. he played along for awhile- when he went away to college before i did we wrote each other poetic letters full of dramatic promises, painting doctored pictures of ourselves.... one day i realized i was not the person i was projecting and he was not the person who was receiving. people spend their lives looking for the perfect person- that one soul who will be smart enough, loyal enough, handsome enough, creative or eccentric enough to make us happy..... maybe love is more subtle than that. maybe love is just being able to share the mundanities of life without killing each other. maybe the only place you should really bother looking for love is within yourself, for yourself. ot kisses me goodnight before i sleep, he wraps his arms and legs around me like he is a spider trapping a victim. i have troubled dreams.

‘x’ writes to tell me someone has followed some overlooked trail from my site to his “underground” site and now his job is in jeopardy. i don’t take him seriously, knowing that if anything there might be a bit of whispered gossip in the cloakroom, but as i have agreed with myself not to tell the whole truth about him since it can only be biased (and he himself likes to disguise and prettify his version of the truth) he has nothing to fear. either way it’s nobody’s business what he does in his personal life, they should just be grateful that he is willing to share his perspective. a web designer who happens to have a dark side (that being subjective in itself) can still be a perfectly respectable web designer in his day life. who among us is not wearing a mask?

i miss ‘x’ quite a bit. i am not sure what it is that i miss, or who. i am prompted to look over his new writings, and see that there hasn’t been a miraculous change in the past four months, despite all his prophesizing that he would be reborn once i was out of his life. he still drinks diet cream soda. i am willing to bet he still wears no pants while he paints. he still doesn’t like people staring at him on the subway. he still locks his door. i am struck though by the fact that i did not realize how much he needed to be loved despite everything, & the twin fact that he never realized how much he was loved despite everything.... in his writing he mentions nothing of me- i read back to his earlier accusations that i am petty, negative, miserable. and it’s true- i was! it’s a terrible thing to disappoint someone, to know that you can never be what they want, and it’s difficult not to resent them for not seeing who you really are and what you really have to offer. maybe the key is not to look, not to hope, to just ‘be’. maybe ‘o’ knows much more than i give him credit for. the illusions we created for ourselves brought ‘x’ and i together, but in the end, it was the mundanity of imperfect reality that killed us.

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