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balance (2): jaded much?

Sunday, February 27, 2005

jaded much?

i received an email from a girl who wanted tips on how to meet thai guys, which prompted me to write a list of advice for girls who want a thai boyfriend. take this with a grain of salt, as these are generalizations. maybe not every thai boy is like this, just every thai boy that i know. :)

(...drumroll...) advice for farang girls who like thai boys-

1- if they speak good english, it’s probably because they have been with a lot of english girls. the ones who have direct contact with tourists are the worst of the lot- especially bar boys, who literally have a revolving bedroom door and a plethora of lies and tricks to draw from to keep it that way.
2- if they don’t have a steady job and income (and this does not mean a stall on the street), be prepared to be their ATM machine... better to look for a “hi-so” boy who makes more than you do. and don’t bother suggesting they get a job, they’ll insist it takes time away from being with you. whatever you do, don’t get yourself into a position where you are paying their rent, buying their clothes, feeding them and keeping them in alcohol. this is their primary goal; if you let them win you are a sucker. their sweet talk (and yes they are sweet) is hard to resist but this is their country, they are not as poor as they make out and they will always be able to survive on their own as they are guaranteed to have a large social network.
3- wear a condom no matter what you feel or they say- thai men are notoriously promiscuous and hate condoms... get both of you tested before losing the johnnies. every single girl i know who did not wear condoms with her thai boyfriend has contracted herpes or worse.
4- be prepared that every time you leave the guy he will have someone else to take your place... in thai culture, males are horrendously non-monogamous... look up the concept of a “mia noi”, as well as how large the thai-only sex industry is... thai men regularly visit prostitutes from a young age. they have no qualms about lying to you, no matter how much they profess to love you or how long you have been together. they will even parade other girls in front of your mutual friends when you are not around. you either have to embrace the concept and do a little sidework of your own, or don’t bother with the facade of a relationship at all. some girls go years without realizing that their man is already married with kids up north. if you suspect this, it wouldn’t hurt to hire someone to do a little background check. i bet stickman would be willing to do it for you.
5- don’t expect them to be eager to give oral sex- buddhists consider the lower half of the body unclean... also be prepared to take a shower before sex, every time...none of that natural pheremones crap. thai boys are fumbling and get most of their knowledge of sex from porn videos, so be prepared to play the role of teacher. it is, however, a myth that all asian boys have small penises.
6- be prepared to be embarassed by your man constantly- when he is drunk and stupid (thai men can not hold their alcohol), when he starts fights for no reason (usually prompted by alcohol), when he is displaying his shocking lack of education or class in a serious conversation, when he smacks his food loudly or hawks a loogee or jams his fingers up his nose while talking to your friends.
7- don’t expect your guy to talk to you honestly- thais will say anything if they think it makes you happy or to avoid confrontation... they are impossible to draw out. the more you prod the more they close up. don’t expect him to listen to you or have any cultural sensitivity either. it’s all about him and his needs. thais avoid any sort of deep analysis or introspection, they prefer to live solely in the moment.
8- don’t go anywhere near the family unless you have gifts and are prepared to be cooed over and mussed with to no end (fake), bringing cash and whiskey is appreciated, don’t be surprised if they invite themselves to an all-expenses-paid-by-you trip to your country. if he has rich parents they will treat you to dinner, but they will talk about you behind your back with disdain all evening in thai, even as they smile effusively at you- disappointed that their son isn't with some vacant white skinned hi-so thai girl of their choice.
9- don’t be surprised if a thai man expects you to be submissive, silent, wants to get married prematurely, tells you he can make good babies for you to take care of, and refuses to discuss business matters... you are after all a girl.
10- don’t be too nice to his friends, it can initiate a fight out of blind jealousy. don’t wear clothes that are too revealing or get phone calls from male coworkers or even email your brother. though you are not the only woman in his life, he expects that he be your only man.

....this is not to say there are not ten good aspects of a relationship with a thai male. there are! they are incredibly sensual and kind, generous and sweet. they don't have the ego that western males do, and the ridiculous addiction to testosterone-fueled televised sports. i am sure i can think of more good aspects. yeah... i'll write a more positive list...someday.


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