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balance (2): guilty(?)

Sunday, February 20, 2005

guilty(?)

my thai boyfriend ‘o’ and i had a rather vicious fight today in which i asked him to move out and start taking care of himself because quite frankly i am sick of being his ATM-machine-slash-babysitter, and i don’t like how abusive i can get with him because of it. for some inane reason it’s often tempting to me to take care of him/teach him for the rest of his life, but i can’t expect the relationship to be balanced if i more or less own him, and it’s doubly hard for me to retain any respect for him. we’ll see what happens....

but as benevolent fate would have it, after ‘o’ left steaming to his mother’s house, i went for a celebratory glass of red wine and pasta and ran directly into the gorgeous thai man that i really want, and have felt this strange pining connection with for the past few years since i first met him....we’ll call him ‘p’. quite the opposite of ‘o’- he is a real man. and a damned fine specimen of one too! we never run into each other these days, so tonight of all nights it seemed rather destined. not sure how it happened, but i ended up driving with him to his (mindblowing) penthouse apartment and making out with him under the tropical plants and lovely moonscape overlooking a breathtaking view of the city on his balcony.

heh? since when does this kind of thing happen to me? all i know is it’s been a long time since i was really infatuated with someone... i felt like i was on ecstasy and i kept squealing to myself and thanking the gods whenever he walked out of the room. his kisses were long, deep, soulful, and hot. he smelled like soap and pheremones, and tasted like cream.

but to totally complicate things (besides his being ‘o’’s friend), he has a very rich girlfriend who has provided said penthouse, along with a brand new car, trips all over the world, and just about anything else he could want. can’t really compete with that. and i don’t want to. i refuse to be number two, or a ‘mia noi’.... so though it may have been the most admirable exercise of self control i have ever made in my life, i didn’t sleep with him, and turned down an invitation by him and his friends to go stay at their beachhouse and go fishing for the next 3 days (though i was dying to go), and i managed to get home with my dignity intact.

someone once told me that when life wants to punish you it gives you exactly what you want. in this case it gave me just a glimpse- enough to know it cannot be. :(

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