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balance (2): stormy weather

Thursday, January 6, 2005

stormy weather

friend: (noun) someone who tells you nothing real about themself until after they have fucked you over, to your surprise.

i haven’t written anything for awhile because frankly i am in a state of shock. not only can i not write, but i can’t eat or sleep or communicate either. it seems like when there is some impact on my life, it isn’t just one thing, but everything goes haywire at the same time.

the main thing that occurred was x letting me know quite clearly that i am not welcome to stay with him (and his new girlfriend) in NY while i look for a new job and place. never mind that it is my own home he is dangling over my head like a carrot and snatching back with a gleeful sneer. he has manipulated himself quite subversively into a position of power over me, and he is milking it for all it’s worth. at the last minute (i am supposed to leave next week) it’s bad enough, but more than that, it finally hit me that i have truly lost my best friend, and for no real reason that i can fathom. i read something by a thai writer recently that was musing on how people can change so suddenly in relationships that you don’t know what hit you- one minute you’ll be tickling each other, laughing, talking about anything and everything, crying and clutching each other when you say goodbye before a leaving... wrapped in this warm bond of trust and affection... and the very next moment that same person can turn on you, snarling, and banish you from their life like so much rubbish. it’s no real surprise to me, i am no innocent, and it has happened to me before. but even for all my worldliness i never in a million years expected x to be the one to turn on me (though i have been warned several times by several people). and if i could at least justify it to myself by saying “well, you deserve it, you could have been a better person”, it would help, but the truth is no matter what i do, x rejects me and tells me i am simply manipulating him, rather than admitting that i might have some legitimate human emotions about the whole situation. since we left each other on good terms, the only real explanation i can come up with is that he is finally out of his mind. all i really know is that it hurts more than any physical pain possibly could.

so there’s that, and the resulting decision i am in the process of making, which seems to be my staying in thailand permanently. there is a whole host of problems with that as well, which i won’t get into now. but i have thought a lot about the tragedy which happened just a few miles away from me recently and i imagine if it had affected my life more directly. if i had died there would be nothing to reflect on of course, but if i had survived it, i wonder how i would look at my life after that. i think i would have to come to the conclusion that i need to hold on to what makes me happy and slough off what doesn’t. i have nothing in america- my family and i have been purposely estranged for 6 years. i have no real friends there. i don’t have a job or a house to go back to. i despise the consumerist mentality and the pretentious, judgemental, fake people. i hate being part of a corporate machine. i am disgusted by my government. in NY it’s easy money, but mentally for me it’s a hell of a struggle.... thailand won’t be the easy paradise it is now for me when i have to find some menial job and live at a much lower income level than i am used to, but at least the people around me feel human. and at least i know i can find some happiness here on my own.

my mind is so scattered that i haven’t made any concrete plans yet, other than that i have to leave on the 11th to go to malaysia to get another visa to stay here. having never been to malaysia, it could be fun, and having some time alone will be good for me as well. as for employment here, i have actually considered renting land and building a small house on xxxx beach (ko phangan), opening a small shop- i would love to make it work here!.... but that’s too big a risk to just undertake without any legal advice (can’t trust thai people), and i have no one to give that advice & the internet here is useless. so i suppose for now i will save my little money, go to bangkok, and try to get some sort of (legal) job like english teaching to maintain until i do have a good and feasible idea.

ha- the other thing that hit me is that i am unable to access any of my bank accounts at all, due to simultaneous mix-ups. i have enough to live on for two weeks, after that i suppose i am screwed. they have to send my new cards and pin numbers to my house in NY- we’ll see if x forwards them to me or not.

...i have to think about o, who has been a holiday fling, though an extraordinarily long one. for now i am leaving him in xxxx beach, and i don’t have any real intention of keeping him with me if i go back to bangkok. to be honest, i am tired of people. tired of giving and getting nothing back. as much as i like o, i don’t really love or respect him and can’t talk to him about much of anything, and though i want him in my life, i don’t want what he wants, which is marriage and kids (and most likely a free ride). so maybe he will be sloughed off as well, though as gently as possible.

in some ways it feels good- i have a new chance, life is pushing me in a new direction. it’s a delicious challenge. i think i can survive and maybe even excel here. all i need is to get over this crazy, helpless, zombified state i am in now and i think everything might turn out okay.

a monkey outside our bar


Blogger Bob said...

I like the picture of the monkey.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Theo said...

I've been reading your blog off and on for the past year. It's far more entertaining to read about Thailand versus Colorado or New York.

I don't know why you're so conflicted about where to go next. Just reading your blog makes it quite clear where you want to be. Stay in Thailand. Make the decision, and find a way of accomplishing it. That simple.

5:03 PM  
Blogger james said...

That is one cool monkey picure. The eyes are very scary.

11:18 PM  

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