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balance (2): nausea

Wednesday, December 8, 2004

nausea

i was amused and dismayed to see that my ex-pal x has a sudden interest in being "honest" in his online journal, and has decided to air our dirty laundry in a biased public format. sigh... i can not tell you how disappointed i am to find what a seemingly worthless person he is after all. you are welcome to form your own opinions based on his writings, but i have known him intimately for almost 8 years. though i knew all along he was selfish, egotistical, and cold-hearted... he has used and discarded every single person who loved him in the course of the years i have known him... i stupidly thought i was the exception to the rule. he seems to believe that everyone else has the same underhanded motivations he does- i don't think it has ever occurred to him that when he hurts me and i have a knee-jerk reaction, it is because i am so stunned at his calloused cruelty, not because i would ever in reality follow up on any idle threat. i have never once done anything to hurt him. i am a good person. but i admit it, i am human. i am hurt easily. he despises my pain and taunts me for being weak.... i can no longer reach him- he has decided he is bored with me and i am as disposable as any other girl. he has re-neged on our agreement, allowed the girl who is subletting my room to actually take it over, has gone behind my back to change the lease and bills into his name so that when i return to NY i will be in a very bad position and living like a dog in his front room until i can find another situation, and he refuses to even try to be civil.

what kind of friend is this? my only crime was being unhappy in NY, and the root of that problem was sitting on his fat ass in his dark room all day and passive-aggressively insulting me at every chance he could get. he makes me feel low and stupid and ugly and useless- i can't write beautiful lies like he does, i can't design bubblegum graphics, i can't manipulate corporate drones, i have no desire to be a decadent fiend... i am not him!, and i never will be... but he knows i would do anything for him, i have so much to give in my own way... turns out he wants none of it, and has nothing to give back.

it's not worth worrying about anymore. i am sick of being hurt by his eccentric moods. i am sick of his greasy, greedy perspective and his utter lack of humanity or diplomacy. in short, i am free of him, and i really do believe that is a good thing. from now on i only want to associate with people who have the obvious best of intentions.

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