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balance (2): moon

Wednesday, December 1, 2004


x pulls a box of freshly picked mushrooms from his refrigerator and grins at me in the dark. i tremble with sick-sweet anticipation. i haven't eaten mushrooms for about 6 years. we fry an omelette, it tastes like earth. i bury it in ketchup and chase it with orange juice. the mushrooms dig their way to the smallest atoms in my body, tickling them and making my brain instantly dizzy. i steal a glance at otto, trying to ignore the spinning twirling flourescent patterns in his eyes. i feel like dancing. otto has never done any drug other than marijuana. he looks bored and says "mai kun"- it doesn't work. he sighs and beckons me towards bed. i am torn between being with him or following the "wailun" to a party on ao noi. ot grabs my hand and pulls me out of the jungle and i am decided.

we head to the beach. i drag otto to the water, where suddenly he gives a gasp. i look over and he is staring up at the moon, pregnant with white warm light. it's trying to suck me up, he says. it's beautiful. i have never felt like this in my whole life.... the beach is alien- white and barren. the waves lap like living beings at our ankles. i have an obsession with the wet sand between my toes, it feels motherly and sweet. our dogs race around us. one minute it is dark and peaceful and the next they are gnashing teeth and dirty fur in our face. we jump. we can not stop laughing. we hold hands and walk. if you look up at the moon it feels like you are walking in place he says. i look up and am shaken by the sense of not being anywhere at all. i can't feel my body. the moon is singing. we are walking to the other end of the beach but it feels like days. why are we not getting any closer? he asks. why is everything so soft and green? i grab his hand and we run to the end, where the water snakes between broad rocks and reflects the moonlight. if we look long enough we can see the future. i want the future to be a surprise he says, so we cover our eyes and skip back to our room.

we lay a sarong on the sand and stare at the stars. the stars are dead i say. i think i am dead too he says. it's lovely here. this nowhere.

back at the hammock i light a candle and we curl up in each other. we study our faces in a small pocket mirror. i look beautiful with huge dark eyes. his skin is insanely soft. he smells like a child. he buries his head in my stomach and starts talking. we tell secrets. we giggle like schoolchildren. happy comes to lick our feet and cock her head curiously. we feel heavy. we see identical shapes in the colors in the dark. we are the same, he says. i can feel you thinking. why didn't you understand before...? why didn't i? i smile and fall into the swirling darkness. voices whisper in my head- you are home. everything is benign. everything will be fine. i sleep a buzzing crackling dream-filled sleep.


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