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Friday, December 24, 2004


i received a short jumbled email from x, who is inside a hash-brown cloud in amsterdam. he informed me that the girl who is subletting my room in NY will be joining him for an intimate christmas and new year’s celebration, and they plan to travel together around eastern europe. he had purchased a $2k ticket to thailand initially, but cancelled it at the last minute, knowing he would only fall into the role of sex tourist again and he was averse to that. (?!) he is sick of girls who give themselves freely (or nearly free). and he is finished with his website.

which explains a lot. i am guessing x did not so much go insane as he just fell very quickly for this other girl. which explains why he is throwing me out of my own life with little regard to how i feel about it. but just because it makes sense doesn’t make me feel any better. now i have to go back and live on a couch in what is now their living room until i can find a job and a new place, while they meanwhile tap their fingers waiting for me to get out. and then there is the fact that i have been in love with x myself, so though i am happy that he is happy, it makes me quite miserable myself to have to live with them in their honeymoon phase. i don’t know how i am going to get through it honestly. i feel like jumping in front of a train when i think about it. i knew x and i were destined to be together in some aspect from the very first minute i met him, without a hint of doubt. we have always been so close- even when we weren’t together we talked to each other on the phone every night or emailed from neighboring countries. suddenly it’s just- stopped. how can one person feel this sense of destiny so strongly and the other shrug it off so casually? i suppose i am not the first person to have asked that question but it’s not a very fun situation to be in. i need to be patient but that is not one of my strong traits.

anyway it’s beautiful here, blah blah....


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