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balance (2): honesty

Sunday, November 14, 2004

honesty

if only it could be nighttime all the time- i think i could be a real writer then. in the daytime it is too hard to think about anything not completely practical, and the bombardment of stimuli in the light paradoxically prevents you from seeing much at all. in the nighttime i tend to be scattered but at least somewhat introspective and creative.

x and i once had a conversation about honesty, and writing honestly. we agreed that after all it may be impossible. there are always two sides to every story- and only two if you are lucky (which honestly i rarely am). nothing in life can really be proven or disproven... can’t please all the people all of the time..... yada yada. in a way my journal is a farce because i write so much that really has nothing at all to do with my real life. i feel guilty when i receive letters of praise for my honesty, as even though i am honest, there is a lot i leave out, and hence you see only a mere slice of the pie, which in turn fails to be honest. i have realized that no one will really ever know or understand me or vice versa, but in a way i would like to wipe the slate clean and start again- with a REALLY honest journal which would elicit real emotions and not report transient dimwitted happenstance and which really examined myself and my life with the utmost thoroughness, for my own benefit as well as any bored reader’s..... perhaps then i could attract some real understanding. it’s possible- maybe?

i suppose i don’t do so for a few reasons- i started out writing a travel journal for one.... i never meant to bring anything really personal into it, and i am not sure i ever really could via this tool. i have learned in a short time that people don’t understand why i would ever want to lay myself bare, and it isn’t something they just let slide. to me, i have only myself to give. i know i am insignificant, but i will use my voice while i have it and if anyone learns anything from it or relates to it at all then i have not failed. but i know also that these same people who are not on the list of people who care to know me will in fact rape me for all i am worth. they will post things out of context on message boards, they will forward my musings to the wrong people. they will twist what i say and who i am because, well, that’s what they do isn’t it, when they can’t or won’t understand. they destroy. honestly, i don’t want to feed the bears. i want to relate to them is all.

anyway. i have a lot to say. i suppose i am a bit hesitant to say it. i am considering a pseudonym and a different method of delivery. but first i need to be positive enough that i find it worth it, instead of trying to throw myself into the path of everything fatal, which is where i have been lately and where i anticipate being upon my return home unless i can make some major changes in my life.

yikes. i wish you could understand. but i am babbling.

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