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balance (2): fly

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

fly

i am forgetting myself again here, don't want to do that. bangkok the flea trap. i cannot fathom as to why i have been here so long trying to squeeze a measly couple k from people who are more interested in taking it from me. i suppose it's such a generally easy life here as a “rich farang” that i am easily seduced- a slut in fact- by the daily thai experience. my biggest problem is i love to be around thai people, new thai people... but it's like playing make believe- it's never really new after all, and though i feel safe and warm it is not my home and i AM a farang (which equals sex toy + atm card). the social contact feeds me but it isn't a healthy diet. i drink too much, smoke (!how ridiculously disgusting!) too much.... sleep way too late.







(my friends)

i have spent a few days digging through the sweaty markets for things to sell online... and of course the first key to doing business in thailand is being able to speak the language somewhat.... so i have to rely on otto, who is not a businessman though he does know how to sell to farangs, to translate and order for me. first one was already a flop..rrrrmmmm. i could do this, and i could eek a living out of it, but it is not what i want to do with my life in the real long run, all very fun nightlife excepted. i do have more dreams than this... and i can work hard when i need to, even if i have to go back to my stupid real life. if i cannot be happy where i am then there is a challenge to be met. er.....right?.

today the energy in the air was bad.... and i feel ill and can't eat, probably all the smoke and exhaust in my face all day. i read 'the little prince' in one sitting. wished i had gotten a massage. stared at the tv for a bit--- what???? i met a friend from NY (ot's ex girlfriend who lives here, actually now) and we were shooting the shite (bitching about certain aspects of thailand). suddenly i completely passed out and fell on the street. she picked me up and nursed me for half an hour (and so to my embarassment did half the tuk tuk drivers and qway tio ladies) and suddenly it hit me.... i have to get out of here.

i drank with o at a nice happy bar with good air flow away from people. it had giraffes painted on the bathroom wall which reflected in the mirror and out to the room. ot drives me crazy because one night he will be really understanding and the next he'll be an obsessive idiot. thankfully tonight we were cool. all fake (greedy) smiles aside i really do feel he cares about me. which makes me feel bad. i care about him a lot too but i cannot take the asian view of women for long, er...not to mention their views on just about everything, and thus it can never be......

but i admit right now i am tempted to take him with me to an island, where i can eat healthily, swim in the sea, and not have to fend off other gigolo boys so constantly. be calm before i have to return to the storm. make him happy while i make myself happy. not sure if that is even possible concordingly.

later tonight i was sitting in a room with a bunch of little rich thai kids who are four to five years younger than me and spending all their money on tattoo equipment and alcohol, and i couldn't take it anymore. i left, (patting them on the head because i know they hate it). i took the 3rd taxi ride this week where i genuinely feared for my life (or at least my wallet). i have learned to dissuade them from stopping on shaded corners and trying to "help" me get my money out.

and i went home to sleep but here i am,zombified by all the poisons in my body.... happy, but my back is killing me, my lungs filled with crap, my belly churning with sangsom, my brain has had enough confusion, i am all hyped up and finally ready to get out.

p.s. i really miss you x

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