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balance (2): x

Monday, October 18, 2004

x

i received a surprise, calloused email from x today stating how much happier he was now that i was gone, and that he expected me to find my own place upon my return and leave him alone. hence i have no choice but to give up on him. i have wasted most of my 20’s loving him as much as possible and being treated by him like an annoyance. if i were able to be a chameleon girl who could turn into a different sex object every night he might retain some real interest in me, but other than that he has no use for me, apparently even as a friend. i am, after all, a “white girl”. well, it’s a time of cutting off people who don’t accept me for who i am (ie. otto), so back x goes on to my list of people who are detrimental to my happiness and take me for granted, at long last. his loss. my profound sadness. people (and my constant disappointment in them) are the bane of my existence.

the cold-turned-severe-bronchitis that i always seem to get in thailand is in full force, and i spent most of the day choking and feeling miserable. i also got a horrible sunburn, and can barely move. other than that though, it’s not too bad here. i have virtually no human contact, and have resigned myself to enjoying the peace. i am reading a good book, watching movies on my laptop, and relaxing by the pool. i haven’t gone out drinking once and am eating healthily. i did try to snorkel today, but was able to see nothing much more than a few rare specimens of farang trash.

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