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balance (2): August 2004

Saturday, August 28, 2004

ka-boom

republicans-a-coming and thus so doom. and terrorist infidels. i cherish the opportunity to formulate rebellious political opinions (which lucky for you i don't feel like getting into) and even buy an anti-bush pin in honor of the event. protesters skittering all over the place, readying themselves for unarmed war. x and i horde survival gear and huddle in our dark house.

   






watched 'swimming pool'. quite mystifying.



other good movies i saw recently: 'donnie darko', napoleon dynamite', 'the brown bunny', and embarrassingly enough, 'under the tuscan sun', about a middle aged divorcee in italy.


i break ot's heart by telling him over the phone i have a new little boy to play with... m sends me music and kisses via myspace.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

toil

practically offered another position at work, forced changes coming on. i argue with the developers, who might be the stupidest people on earth but luckily (for them) are only accessible to me by phone and email. x moves his desk to the other side of the building, moving on as well. he sneaks out early to curl up in his cave-room and be prolific in his own style. my boss avoids me until later, when i finally am told that unbeknownst to me he's cancelled my project. i sigh and cross my fingers, hoping my financial luck holds out.

someone crawled atop the plaza hotel and dropped an anti-bush banner. it was right outside my office window. i watched the swat team surround it and fall off the building trying to get it down.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

mortal



i went to the zoo yesterday. fuzzy animals make me happy.

   

Sunday, August 22, 2004

howl

the east village was filled with art in the pouring rain. the howl festival set up at tompkins square park. they hung canvases all around it and invited people to paint what they would.


   



x and i huddled under my umbrella, surrounded by gay men in flambouyant costumes and wigs. it was wigstock. tranny divas told jokes on stage and a band sang an operatic cover of shakespeare.






i ditched boy george and met jonah, who is cute and asian. he is smaller than me and has shy curious mannerisms. we drank tea and watched a foreign movie. then he ate, which is a story in itself.

m ditched me to mope, as he will. sad boy.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

nightlife

m and i take a lot of walks. i make him eat. he is sad because a good friend drowned. we both get neurotic and paranoid. we see lots of art and drink lots of beer. and fumble under the covers in my bedroom.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

androgeny

x is a peculiar place to work. it doesn't necessarily have any rules i have to follow, except getting things turned in on time, which i have no problem doing. i ride the bus to midtown now due to my roommate/co-worker/best pal's paranoia about terrorists in the subway. i spend most of my time there slouching in my desk, checking my email and following very specific instructions for "designs" that are invisible. i leave early and come home to laze in my soft zebra striped blanket under the midday sun.

my old friend t informs me that he is now well on his way to becoming a professional gambler. he spends his weekends in atlantic city. i cringe at his optimism but accept when he invites me to share a portion of his $5000 winnings over a nice schmancy dinner. i surveyed the changes in him over my two glasses of wine. didn't take long. it felt weird being the recipient of a free dinner and drinks, when i have recently always been the giver. he has a life thoroughly unrelated to my own, but i find it interesting sometimes to listen to. he is truly a friend, which mildly surprises me.

i chased down m after he left work and met him in the park in union square. he feels like a high school crush, so awkward and pretty. i can't keep my hands off him after two glasses of wine. i sculpt waves in his hair, kiss his ears, and pluck sadistically at the little hairs on his lower back. we proceeded to go drinking, which is always inevitable if i am the one choosing these days. i took him to rififi- a dark hipster-y red bar with good music. while he was in the bathroom i met a guy in a trenchcoat who had just returned from britain. he had just offered to buy me a shot when marco wandered back. suddenly trenchcoat guy was obligated to buy shots all around.... the people were not overly friendly otherwise (sigh, NY) but the shots were deliciously nasty- jagermeister dropped into ale. i swooned the rest of the evening long.

m followed me home, like a stray puppydog. i invited him in and we immediately fell to ravaging each other. it was great fun until that (black) magical point in which my brain turns completely off.....pheremones? neurosis? hasn't happened with anyone in awhile. i sighed and told him we should be friends, regretting it deeply, as unfortunately it is turning into an icky pattern. he became cold and left quickly. i sighed some more.

Monday, August 16, 2004

dark clouds and rain part II

i had a really mean landlord once, who broke into my apartment and sauntered around whenever he felt like it, day or night. we had an unusually bitter breakup that ended in my humiliation and shame. the funny thing is he doesn't know i am on his email list... so i get all these personal spam mails with funny pictures and jew jokes. weird that people have other sides you never see. i picture him giggling in rubber chicken underpants as his sexy siren wife pats his belly in her new baby doll nightie and fuzzy slippers. unlikely. or is it?

rather morbidly, i have been thoroughly obsessed with death today. lots of little relics of my ex boyfriend tripping me up... deric who choked on his own lungs. byebye deric. he leaves behind more life than most of the living can claim. i wonder stupidly if he watches me, as i pick my nose & masturbate in supposed private. i wonder if he sees me remember him, and if he can feel it. sometimes it's unbelievable that star wars can still exist without him, or the peculiar meat contraptions called steak-umms which he used to shovel into his coal pit belly. he was a music guy. when i met him he was wearing a fishing hat with a stud in his nose and a black vest over a striped shirt. he dj'd silly 80's/goth/industrial party nights and dressed as thing 1 and thing 2 for halloween with his best smiley friend greg. we had cats. i was clumsy and broke all his precious material posessions, including a car which was totalled beyond recognition. he slept with oxygen at night and paced back and forth in the dark, periodically coughing up blood. we had lots of experimental, playful sex in places we shouldn't. i would cry in my sleep. i loved him once, and was terrified of his impending death. i thought it would be much easier to remove myself from him, and circumstances eventually granted my wish. fuzzy memories following death warmed over and once removed are impersonal... and selfish at the same time. just fragments of memories that are colorful and sparkly and silent like sporadic, scratchy old movie reels with no ending. i can't imagine what sort of horrific loss i would have felt had i still been sleeping next to him when hid last breath shuddered out.

m came over tonight. he's beautiful but skinny and artistic but intense and i am simultaneously confused by and intimidated by him. thoroughly distrustful of my crush, i made him spend a regular night with me to feel out whether or not we had any real potential outside of a bar or his house (where i spent last weekend quaking nervously on a futon and distracting myself with his cats and music). i shared some pot with him and we watched tv (six feet under was fascinating as usual). i showed him my travel pictures on my laptop, flinching at every bored nod. he hightailed it out early on in the evening and i felt sad.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

dark clouds and rain

woo wee! i forgot about this here blog.

nothing going on but a curiously awkward relationship. x is being unusually nice to me, i am going to costa rica in about 2 weeks, i am feeling good.

here, play this game... if it still works!:





it's from
this site.

Friday, August 6, 2004

static

everything i have written today (including this blog entry) has mysteriously deleted itself every time i've gone to save it. instead of a guardian angel i have a scheming demon.

i am bottlenecked if you want to know. i have a lot of stuff in to get out. everyone in new york is an artist or musician or writer or model or actor... i mean everyone has outlets and mine doesn't quite seem to have me on tap. must be lovely to birth an idea and then share it. i fizz quietly on the inside.

anyway if someone knows how to remedy the absolute lack of an attention span (focus) then please, please share.

i kissed a beautiful boy last night. many times. he makes me crazy after having been so reclusive for the past- has it been 6 months already? he has black hair that flops over one eye. with him i feel like (heh heh) a ghost among people. i have to color myself in but can't quite manage to get there.





x is gone again, i tricked him into going to chicago instead of me. he called me up to say he has a real live not-paid-for date too tonight! i hope she's hot and she loves him. love is in the air. yay!

i like my house alone. i pace around it making plans and contriving conversations in my head.

i haven't had the urge to travel for...days now. i think i might be floundering a bit but i am enjoying it.

off to find a film to slip into.

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